Having your first kiddo is a totally new season of life in a lot of ways. One interesting case is in relation to yours and your spouse’s family. You see, before this bundle of joy arrives everyone knows all of the rules of the game. Sure, there may have been some interesting family transition moments when you got married, but from my experience they don’t hold a candle to having your first child.
Of course every family member is different, but I have seen it enough times to realize that in ever couple’s extended family there is usually at least one person that this can be tricky with. For some family members you go from “Wow, look how grown up they are and how well they are doing” to looking similar to Homer Simpson holding a baby while drinking a beer and water skiing. Maybe a slight exaggeration, but the point is the new nugget has the potential to throw the whole previously settled social dynamic into a swirl.
I think this unsettling of the social dynamic is a good way to picture it because it will help you be aware and on the lookout. Here is your key guiding principle: this kiddos is yours and your spouses responsibility… period. That principle needs to trump all else.
As early as you can look for opportunities to communicate this. Be ready, willing and able to say “No”. The earlier you establish the ground rules the earlier the social dynamic can be resettled and you can parent your own way.
The extreme of this is going to be hard to hear… but honestly you have to be willing to go as far as to tell them you are going to have to limit how much that particular family member is allowed to be around the kiddos if something doesn’t change. The good news is I personally have never seen it go this far.
For some of you this is going to be easy. You don’t have an issue telling anyone how you feel. For others, this type of confrontation is difficult. For the first group, your difficulty will be to ensure you are being kind and empathetic. Often a lot of people’s identity gets wrapped up in parenting, as you will find out, and telling a parent you will do something different than they did needs to be delivered with care. For this second group, pray and be on the lookout. Fight those feelings of anxiety that come up and try and overcome them. If you miss the opportunity to speak up, call later or as a last resort have your spouse help you write an email. Speaking of spouses, be careful not to take the anxiety of this difficulty out on your spouse and use a united front when explaining why (i.e. no “well, Jonny doesn’t want to”. Just remember, taking care of it as early as possible and as directly as possible. Kindness and directness can and should go together.
An interesting topic you and your spouse need to discuss related to this is how much your kiddos are alone with family. My take on this is that if you are going to leave your nugget alone with family you better feel VERY confident that everyone will operate according to your rules and way of doing things. “What happens at Grandma’s stays at Grandmas” is a cute bumper sticker, but terrible way to run your family unit.
I could go on in this area, but instead I will just leave you with some hope in case this is an area of difficulty for you. Over the years, both mine and Christina’s family now are totally relaxed around us. The rules of the game have been set and everyone knows their role, which is liberating for all. If a kiddo asks for something, everyone naturally knows to say “go ask your Mom or Dad.” If someone offers something to even our youngest they naturally know to come and run it by us. Even better, most already know what is and what is not allowed. All is good and we can enjoy awesome time with all of our family. It was well worth the work it took to get to this point. I hope you are willing and end up with the same experience.