Author: Patrick Kellley

A theme has come up to me multiple times during my devotions, sermons, readings, etc.  I shared this with the kiddos and wanted to share its implications on parenting with you all as well.

In many places in the Bible God warns us about evil in the world we live in.  And the warnings are very serious. 

Here are just a few that come to mind:

Galatians 1: 3-5: “Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, ⁴ who gave himself for our sins to deliver us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, ⁵ to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen.”

Ephesians 2: 1-7: “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins ² in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— ³ among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body^[a] and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.^[b] 4 But^[c] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, ⁵ even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— ⁶ and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, ⁷ so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”

Acts 26:16-18: “¹⁶ But rise and stand upon your feet, for I have appeared to you for this purpose, to appoint you as a servant and witness to the things in which you have seen me and to those in which I will appear to you, ¹⁷ delivering you from your people and from the Gentiles—to whom I am sending you ¹⁸ to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’”

Matthew 4: 8-9: “ Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. ⁹ And he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.”

There are many more…

I wanted to share this because I think it has to be our starting point when we are deciding about handling external influences to our children.  Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy.  It won’t take long as children get older to see this tangibly in their lives.  God has given you the responsibility and privilege to protect your children.  It is we who must so closely monitor the external influences to our children. 

When it comes to movies, books, music and interactions with other children & adults we must approach these with the caution appropriate for this understanding of the current “present evil age”.  Our job is to say “No” as many times as necessary (and realize it will be very often as they get older), but then also to do the hard work to identify better, God honoring, replacements that allow us to say “Yes”.

No playing with neighborhood kids while you are not present?  Ok, then you take ownership of setting up playdates with Christ-loving families.

No open Spotify music listening?  No Spotify playlists that have anything that could be questionable?  Ok, then you take the time to make your own worship-focused playlists or only put on the local Christian worship radio station.

No to that newest fun looking movie that contains questionable content?  Ok, then do the work to find a movie they have never seen that has fully clean content. You take the time to always check reviews from Christian Spotlight or Plugged In, pre-screening if a movie is not found or if you are not sure. Never rely only on “I am pretty sure that one is fine because the so-and-sos watched it” or “I remember that one as being clean from when I was younger”.

No Christian reviews out there for that book they want to read from the library with the fun looking cover and great book-hook?   Pre-read the book yourself and find them another book you can review while they wait.

By providing better alternatives and doing the work you can show them that you care.  As they get older explain to them more and more WHY you do this and point out to them all of the work you do so that you can say Yes.  This will fight against the evil thoughts that creep in as the “No” decisions mount up (and they should).

The great news is that the things you have to say No to are cheap substitutes for the God-honoring content you will look back on with great memories with your children as they get older.  The work is worth is…

One thing we improved on significantly recently is bedtime for little ones.  It wasn’t really until Lilly that we figured out a real improvement to our old normal.

We actually start getting Lilly ready for bed 25 minutes before we actually walk out of her room for bed.  That may sound like a lot, but if you think about how valuable it is to leave your kiddos with a sense of calm and peace, plus a real parent-child connection before bed, you really do need this type of time.

This helps you avoid feeling rushed if you forget something, have an interruption (which is a frequent thing with little ones, of course), your or your nugget is “dragging” a bit, etc.  You are also less likely to rush through stories, praying, songs or whatever you choose to make a part of your normal.

This is another area where you can see why God designed the family how He did… and why you can’t have work or other commitments pull either of you away from these important times of the day.  There are times when one of you parents has to take care of something pressing or is extra wiped out, so the other handles bedtime that night.

We start out with “teeth, potty, jammies”.  Next either me, Christina or sometimes half and half between the two of us have one on one time in the room.  Our normal is 1 long or two short books.  Occasionally, since she is older, we allow her to trade some book time for a song or talking.  If she ever asks for something she doesn’t have time for we let her know.  She learns about limitations and choices.

I believe you can start this as early as possible with a little one.  Enjoy this extremely special time.  I think you will both remember it for a lifetime.

Bonus Tip: Once you have more than one, this is a reason staggered bedtimes is a really good idea.   Everyone gets a block of focused one-on-one time.

It is hard to overemphasize consistency with discipline and correction.

The nice thing about consistency is that it will show you when you are off track.  If you cannot consistently apply your approach and get the results in the medium to long run then that is likely a sign that your approach needs to be re-worked.  For example, if you are too “light” and not direct enough with your nuggets then you will quickly see your child ignoring your attempts both mentally and behaviorally.  That is because you are effectively teaching them “No!, unless of course you are willing to put up with this annoyance that comes along with your bad action”.  For some things the child will respond by showing you they don’t mind your halfhearted attempt at disciplining them… the shiny object is worth it.

Now if you are not consistent with your correction/discipline then that can be even worse.  Think about it from your child’s perspective.  They are figuring out the world from a trial and error approach.  A home where 3 times I get a soft “no” when I do something and then on the 4th I just get picked up and given another toy… and then on the 50th time I get screamed at is more like the scenes from Alice in Wonderland than an environment to grow into.

For a young nugget, your goal is to be direct, using a firm discipline that is strong enough to stop them in their tracks, allow them room and space to mentally decide if they will repeat it a second (or 3rd or 4th or…) time, reapply the same discipline and then finally praise them and comfort them when they willingly choose to turn away.  Then put them in the same situation again multiple times.  Show them the object a few times and then point and calmly, but firmly say “That is a no, no.” while shaking your head.  Reinforce it.

This takes effort.  This takes consistency.  This takes work, especially when you are tired or want to be focused on a conversation or something else.   This takes a willingness to discipline in public/with friends/in front of family/etc.

Finally, spouses should have conversations about this.  Use specific situations to discuss. Come to each others aid when you realize one person needs a break.  Again on the consistency note, it is important that the child is getting the same reaction from both Mom and Dad.

Be encouraged.  Realize that these small seeds, while difficult, are forming a beautiful foundation for future behavior.  Eventually these struggles become more internal and difficult to diagnose and deal with.  Imagine how valuable it is to form this internal character and obedience now.  This is a lifelong treasure you have the opportunity to give, something that will bless your nugget as well as you and your spouse for a lifetime.

Kiddos start out as babies, unable to properly do… well let’s be honest, anything productive.  Over time, they slowly start to learn all types of things.

Eventually these nuggets get to the point where they can start to accomplish things themselves.  Very, very poorly at first, but still growing in their abilities.

I have said in the past how it is important to let the nuggets take on these activities and chores as they are “ready”.  This is harder than you think because there is so much to do and many of us are wired for efficiency.  We must be willing to slow down and let them struggle through it and sit with them to provide immediate praise and corrective feedback.

There is another related point to this topic.  Unfortunately this one is hard for me, it falls into the “I wish I would have done this better at this”.

We get so excited when our kiddo reaches the point where they can take some small piece of the million things we have on our plate.  This is true celebration time and our brains immediately search, and easily find, something else to fill the space.  Kiddo can dress themselves?  Awesome, now I can sweep the kitchen directly after breakfast.  Kiddo can clean their room?  Excellent, now I can do my Bible study during those precious minutes of quiet.

What now realize is that this skips an important step.  Kiddos need a pretty lengthy transition period where they are “able”, but not quite ready to be turned loose.  The reason is that they are forming important habits that will form how they will naturally perform a job.  Often by the time you realize they are doing some step poorly you realize they have now trained themselves to quickly and easily do a job 50-80% correct.  As you can imagine, this leads to correction time.  Dressing themselves, but throwing PJs on the floor.  Putting clothes away, but drawers are a disaster.  “Cleaning” the room, but mess and clutter growing everywhere.

The solution?  I would recommend a long transition of hands on instruction, then daily sitting and watching, then daily thorough “checking” and eventually spot checking somewhat frequently.

Hope this helps…

This weekend I read a short story from one of my favorite authors.  It made the incredibly important point that a key to parenting is not to pretend that you have it all figured out and that it is all good all of the time.  You hurt yourself (who do you turn to when things are not good?) and others (who feel even more guilty when the reality of hard times inevitably come up (yearly? monthly? daily?  well, things have been good for the last half hour or so). 

She makes the point that a) kids are the only humans we can act mean or rude with and get away with it, b) they are super crazy needy and energetic and c) they always seem to be around and wanting to hang out with you… even if you are tired.

You are going to feel angry at times,
You are going to feel annoyed at times,
You are going to feel too exhausted to go on at times,
Your kiddos will shock you at times,
You are going to feel bored at times…
This is all normal.

Be open and honest.  Be authentic.  Surround yourself with people, or at least a person you can share all of that with if needed.

It is beyond worth it.  Love does conquer all.  But damn it is hard sometimes.

By being real with others around you, you will get through those hard moments yourself and be there when others need to be reminded of just how worth it this whole journey is.   Christina and I have a whole list of stories and failures locked and loaded, ready to be used as our resounding “Amen” to you should you ever need someone to share your difficult times with.  Just know that we will end by telling you without a doubt just how worth it this whole thing is.

Quick tip tonight.  One thing I have been trying to do more is listen to those small thoughts that pop into my mind about other people.  You will be familiar with this.  These are ideas to call someone, send a text, stop and pick up something for the spouse on the way home, whisper something to one of the little nuggets.

To me, these feel too close to those still small voice leadings that often come as inspiration for some new idea or some better way of doing things or even conviction on something we need to change.

If you are like me the tendency is to say, “that is a good idea, I will have to do that soon.”  Ideally, do it right away.  If not, set a definite time when you will and set a reminder.

I think this is one of those big ways that feel small that we can bring God’s Kingdom forward.  At least, that is how it has felt to me so far.

p.s. I especially love the saying kind words directly in person.  Those feel the most impactful.  

We are very selective with what we let our kiddos watch.  In fact, we are selective on what Christina and I choose to watch.

This is a very dynamic thing for your family too, because as you grow and walk with God you may eliminate certain types of movies, but eventually be more lenient in others.  Kiddos make this even more tricky because there are a lot of factors that determine what age a nugget should be allowed to see something.  For example, there is an intensity to movies that can frighten very small children.  Note:  This is a reason to be careful with personal recommendations, even from people you know have a solid spiritual walk… the factors for what is right for your family at a given time are varied are complicated.

Another reason to be cautious is that we romanticize the stuff we used to watch.  You will be shocked if you end up watching things from your past.  First off, the low production quality will stick out to you, but also honestly there are a lot of things that used to fly with movies that no longer do.  This may surprise you.  The way to think about it is this… the good in movies for companies that want to make good movies for children (typically Disney) has grown tremendously.  Of course, the trashy “we don’t care” type factors in movies for the other companies has done the same in the other direction.    Classic line:  “whoops!…. I definitely forgot about that part”.

The answer for us is to be diligent about checking into movies.  My favorite site is “Christian Spotlight on Entertainment” and the best way to search it is “<movie_name> Christian Spotlight”.  The reason this one takes the top spot is for convenience.  At the very top they have “Morality Ranking” .  This ranges from “Extremely Offensive” to “Excellent”.  Excellent is really reserved for Conservative Christian movies (think Fireproof).  Honestly anything from Better than Average” and above you can consider safe without reading further.  Anything rated “Average” (for kids movies) or “Offensive” for adult movies should be researched further by reading on.  A tip on this… the first 60% is typically talking about the plot.  I personally skip this.  Below that is where it discusses any objectionable content.  This will help understand the rating.

If it is a kiddo movie, and we are on the fence, Christina and I will typically rent it first and watch it to make a final call.

Also very important, the Christian Spotlight site also gives a  Moviemaking Quality score of 1 to 5 stars right at the top.  Sometimes you will find a movie that is plenty fine morally, but just terrible.  Your time is valuable, don’t waste it on bad movies, even if they don’t curse.  Again, the text can help explain why the rating was given.

Second up is Plugged In (a Focus on the Family site).  This one is good too, but honestly often I want a quick summary of the morality and movie quality (like the other site has) and it takes a bit longer to extract out from this site. Occasionally I have to go with this if a movie was not reviewed yet on C.S.

If neither site has the movie I am looking for, usually this happens for older movies, I will search “<movie_name> Christian Review”.  Sometimes this brings up sites like Crosswalk, but it is very hit or miss.

One word of caution.  I have not used “common sense media”‘s site much.  I don’t believe it is a Christian site and it seems to give every single movie 4-stars (at least from the preview results from Google).

Your kiddos cannot unwatch something.  You and your spouse cannot unwatch something.  Be selective.  Don’t talk yourself into compromising on something.  Listen to and follow that still small voice.  Enjoy the show… enjoy the journey.

Hope this helps…

Recently I listened to the audiobook of “The Problem of Pain” by C.S. Lewis (one of my new “top favorite” books of all time).

Lewis does a fantastic job of explaining how he views a ton of the core tenants of Christianity (in detail, with brilliance and a cool British accent).

One of the many parts that stuck out to me was his discussion on free will and our primary function of turning our will towards His.  (Side note: Interestingly enough, this same “primary function” came up multiple times across 3 different authors I have read recently).  He described Adam and Eve, “paradisal man” in his words, as operating with free will, but having only the chief desire to please God, and having sufficient control over themselves, knowing no other desires, to achieve that will.   Brace yourself for this next part… he then says that we are not in that state anymore, but are actually far far removed from it.  (shocker, I know)

Our life then is this jagged line, trending to some degree or another, towards the realignment of our wills with His.  Great picture.

Getting to my point (finally) here, I see this as a great picture of the goal of our parenting.

Whether kiddos young or old, this applies to your role as parenting.

Newest infants, you stand in the place of God showing love and warmth.
Tiny Tots, you add in the correction to avoid unsafe things.  Eventually teaching “No” and providing consequences when their will starts to turn away in disobedience
Older kiddos, you add guidance and principles to make their own decisions on.  You provide consequences and loving correction as they pursue their own will.
Teenage nuggets you help guide them as they determine what it means to be an adult (sort of) and realize they must make the right decisions and submit their will to God more and more on their own.  You look for behaviors and traits that don’t match their “true selves” and you lovingly find a way to present them with the inconsistency we all struggle with.

Keep this picture of free-will and guidance in your mind.  Love them enough to point them continually, at whatever age, to the only true Good this universe can offer.  The source of all the good we enjoy daily… often so visible in the context of our families.

I had a chance encounter with someone this week.  It turned out, he and his wife were the latest in a long line of parents I have spoken with over the years who had fallen into the trap of having at least one of their kiddos sleep in their bed with them each night.  Some versions of this story I have heard the kiddo just starts there.  More commonly they have the kiddo start in their own bed, but the “end up” in the parents bed at some point in the night.  Needless to say… not a fan of this.

I think this is one of those moments where the sweet images in the movies lie to us.  We get to see the sweet scene where there is a storm or a nightmare or a cold and everyone snuggles together peacefully and the parents sneak little cute looks at each other about how wonderful it all is.  We never get to see 4 years later when the child is awkwardly big, knowing nothing, but this as “normal”.  The parents invariably look to some fuzzy distant time when the kid will magically switch back… or move away for college.  Kids aren’t born thinking that sleeping in Mom and Dad’s bed is an option.  We decide whether to introduce it.

This is a part of a larger principle to keep an eye out for:  Don’t do something once you don’t want to repeat each day/night/etc.   You can either fight it now or wait until “later”, whenever that is, when the habit has formed.  I say always take the lumps now, whenever they come up.  It doesn’t get easier by letting it go on for a season.  Of course as usual, this is not a hard and fast rule, but keeping it in mind will help in certain situations.  God will remind you of it when needed.

Eventually you will find yourself in one of these “whoa, how did we let this become a habit” situations.  Take a breath.  Don’t feel guilt or shame (we have all been there).  Do the hard thing and right the ship as quickly as you can manage.

One more thing… when the kiddo(s) get a bit older there are times when occasionally you may make an exception to the normal routine, but try and save this primarily for when they are old enough to make the agreement and stick to it.   e.g.  “tonight I will read you an extra chapter at bedtime because we are starting reading time a bit earlier, but you are not allowed to ask again tomorrow, deal?”.

Good luck… and happy “no sideways kiddo kicking you in the ribs at 2 am” slumber…

Besides being Valentine’s Day, a couple of days ago was also “Ash Wednesday”.   This is the beginning of the Lent season for so much of the world.  Unfortunately, so many of the non-denominational, evangelical type churches and many other groups lost the majority of its connection to our Christian past.  This, to me, is one reason much of Christianity remains so immature as a faith.  This is why much of the world just talks about Lent as if it is just the time when a bunch of people give up chocolate or Facebook.

For many of the branches of Christianity today (Catholic, Episcopalian, Methodist, etc.) this day is the start of a road they will travel down towards Easter over the next month

I love this idea for families.  For Christians, our calendar and sense of time should revolve around CHRISTmas and Easter.  What better way to do this than to spread the preparation out over a full month.  There are devotionals that can help you or you can spend time focusing on different aspects or authors (I have one for Lent and Advent from Richard Rohr, as an example).  There are also resources out there that have the daily readings for those branches of Christianity I mention above that will help you easily jump into the scriptures based on this season that much of your Christian brothers and sisters around the world are reading (think about you sitting on your porch reading the same verses as someone in Kenya!).

I also think that these types of days, services and approaches help us tap into the “experience” of God, and not just a focus on “ideas about” God.  If you look back in History, the splits and divisions of Christianity have tended to revolve around arguing over ideas (“doctrines” to make it sound more official).  You don’t hear about church splits or new denominations forming because people were praying together, sharing communion or especially serving the least of these.  A season of Easter prep help us focus on keeping the main thing the main thing.

May your next month be full of His love for you and your family…