Author: Patrick Kellley

We often will mention to Lilly things like, “but we know magic isn’t real, right Lilly.” or “or course there are no such thing as real monsters.” while shaking our head no and looking into her eyes.

Recently, out of nowhere, Lilly said to me, very confidently, “Daddy, evil step-mothers not real.  Right Daddy?”.  I know, how crazy cute is that.  Even cuter that she pronounces “mothers” as “mudders” still.   : )

I had a nice talk with her and carefully explained things to her at an age appropriate level.  She was good to go… until…

Even more recently she looked at Christina and said, even more confidently, “Ok Mommy… but I know bears are not real.”

Takeaways:  1) Kiddos really need us.  2) We forget how much they are observing and figuring out.  3) Kiddos really really need us 4)  Kiddos are crazy cute and 5) What you are doing really, really, really matters.

Yesterday I had an awesome example of the power of one on one time.  This is important in a larger family, but honestly I see it even in a single-child home where a kiddo gets to go and do something with just Mom or just Dad.

Today Luke and I went to walk/run on the causeway.  He literally talked from the second we walked out to the truck to the second we pulled back in (I believe the exercise in the middle helped my brain cope with ongoing stream of cute, but constant input).  We joked and laughed, talked about how beautiful various parts of God’s creation were, talked about topics that interested him and so on.  So awesome.

Later back at the house I told each of the littles that they could have free time, but that I would be calling them one by one at some point to help me out on a chore, just me and them.  That too was a great set of one on one sessions.  They also got to learn a new skill in some cases (e.g. checking the oil).

The point is… one on one time is really powerful no matter what your family setup is.  This also applies to hubby/wifey date time… again no matter what stage of family life you are in.  Focus in, be present and take the time.  The seeds you plant will grow into something you are very proud of.  This time will not return void.

One thing I feel pretty confident of… no one thought to include parents of young children into the discussion about whether or not to implement “Daylight Savings Time”.  If they had someone from that set of representatives would have raised their hand and asked, “what about for those tiny nuggets who operate fully off of internal clocks and won’t understand why adults randomly change the entire basis of time once every 6-months as everyone finally gets the hang of it.”

We have finally started to use a phased system for bedtimes/wake-up-time where we basically slowly implement the full time-change with them over a set of a few days, but that is only because our nuggets are a bit bigger and even still… crazy stuff…

Sports are such a fun part of childhood.  I would love it if every kiddo got the chance to experience team sports.  There are so many great benefits (encourages outside time, gives more options to do with friends, and on and on).

The interesting thing I have observed is that kids seem to fall into one of two categories in youth sports.  They are either generally good to great in every sport they try… or they are completely uncoordinated and distracted.  Even that second category can be overcome of course, but it is interesting to see this giant disparity between those two cases.

I think it is probably because of parent interaction in the first few years of life.  If I am right then I would highly encourage including a lot of activities that require hand-eye coordination.  Building and knocking down towers early.  Lightly tossing the ball into outstretched arms from a foot or so away a bit later.  Kicking the ball back and forth.  Throwing balls for no real reason.  All good.

I think that this interaction is like the equivalent of phonics and learning letters to learning to read.  Provide your child with the foundation they can use to explore this awesome part of childhood.  Then turn them loose on all sports and enjoy the fruits of your years of effort.

Holidays are a funny thing.  They bring out some of the very different ways that families approach things.  People you know over the years will surprise you as you find out their approaches to these once a year events.  And honestly, that is cool.  That causes us to take a fresh look at ourselves and our families and how we do things to make sure they still line up with our values and what is best for our nuggets.  Out of all of the holidays, Christmas and Halloween are where we have seen the largest variety between the families we have known over the years.

We will get to CHRISTmas when the time comes, but there are a couple of thoughts to share about Halloween.

There are a lot of Christian families that choose to totally, 100% skip out on Halloween.  Without a doubt I get where they are coming from.  Honestly I really respect this in families because it takes a lot of conviction to not participate in something so pervasive in our culture (points deducted if they are passive aggressively judgy about it though).

So what about our crew?  We typically follow the model of “holidays are what you make of them”.  This is true of everything from CHRISTmas to St. Patrick’s Day… and especially Halloween.  We are extremely selective (some would use strict) on what our kiddos take into their minds and hearts all year around.  So we skip out to the greatest degree possible on all “spooky” type stuff.  And that is not just the little ones.

Instead we focus on all of the wonderful things that come with Fall.  The pumpkin patches and hay rides… the pumpkin carving and Fall Festivals… and the trick or treating.  Our kiddos and their friends absolutely LOVE trick or treating.  We use it as a time for fellowship with people we don’t see nearly as often as we would like.  We enjoy the weather and we bring joy to the neighborhood, spreading memories of cute costumes and Halloweens past to those handing out candy.

To do this we must sacrifice a bit of the control over what our kiddos see.   Inevitably they will see a few costumes that are unlike anything they would ever see all year.   Of course we skip certain houses and do what we can, but there will be at least one thing every year.  However, we consciously decided the good was worth it.  You may choose to lean the other way.  Either way I would encourage you to use these spooky encounters, random promptings leading up to Halloween and sightings of certain spooky yard “decorations” as times to discuss the dark side of this otherwise beautiful time of year.  We teach how some people are attracted to that type of thing or the sensation of fear and scaring others, but that we choose the better things of life (love, laughter, fun, goodness).

One more thing… I have seen kids who come from homes where the scary movie, Halloween, dark theme is allowed or maybe even celebrated.  The feeling I get in my spirit, remember that still small voice we Christians are always to be seeking seeking, at certain times around these children when this comes up can only be described as “chilling” if that makes sense.  There is a darkness that manifests itself.  It is hard to describe, but it is palpable.  I would urge you, especially if you grew up with this type of thing as a part of your childhood, to seriously consider abandoning this for the more authentic things God has to offer.  The very real sensations that come from darkness of this type are cheap substitutes for those things from Him.  Seek that which is authentic and your holidays, even Halloween, can be as life-giving and as plain old awesome as ours was tonight…

I plan to continue to post non-traditional parenting resources for you.  You may remember my first post was obviously not something straight out of the Dobson parenting collection (Link).

The book below is one that God used to help me form my overall worldview… my understanding of how He operates in the world.  I bring it up here because it also happens to be one of those very important parts of your worldview that should be in place so you are ready for tricky questions.

I love the story he starts with and many of the main themes he follows on this topic (e.g. his reading of Job).  Without question, this would be on my very short list of top books for a parent to read.

Link –>   Is God to Blame – Greg Boyd

A point I wanted to share jumped out to me yesterday.  In the Christian faith, morals are important, but make a terrible primary focus.  When church becomes about “acting right” and a non-stop focus on the right things to do and not do, the heart of the entire faith is lost.  For anyone who has been around enough churches I am sure multiple examples and stories come to mind.  They do for me, both my own and those of people who have confided in me.

Well the same is true of parenting.  It sounds strange to say that morals should not be the main focus because honestly a ton of time must be spent on guiding and refining children.  There can be no peace and no getting to the most important things without this.

With that being said, I have seen the effect on children in homes where morals and behavior become the entire focus.  The truth is, just like in Christianity/Church, it is the heart that must be the focus.  We must always be focusing in on and analyzing the types of people our children are headed towards becoming.  We are not creating good little robots or soldiers… they are meant to be formed vessels of God’s love.  We must be ever vigilant to root out greed, anger, selfishness, pride.  We must magnify and celebrate love, patience, kindness, humility and joy.

If this distinction is not immediately clear to you don’t worry.  All I ask is that you pray for eyes to see and I believe God will show you when the time is right.

We started a Wednesday evening family discussion time.  We wanted to be more intentional about sitting everyone together and having some type of spiritual focused discussion each week.

Tonight was really amazing.  I sat down a few minutes before to get ready as everyone wrapped up what they were doing.  I felt like a had a couple of solid topics, when all of a sudden the name of a movie popped floated into my mind.  Now, this was a film that impacted me some time ago, but that I had honestly not thought about in any way in over a year.  Sounds totally random, right?  Yes, something in my spirit stirred and I suspected this was one of those “still small voice” moments.  That this was inspiration.  That this was God, acting as my cosmic Pops, knowing us all so well, bringing up an option that I now could choose to follow or not follow.

I just brought up the name of the movie and told them that I thought there was something here that God wanted us to explore.  I asked Christina and Trinity what they remembered and what stuck out to them.   And you know what… it ended up being absolutely amazing.  Everyone in the family was full engaged.  The points that came up and the discussion was intense and powerful.  The depth of the moment was palpable… and all because a) we chose to listen to His suggestion some time ago that led us all to be sitting there for Wednesday family discussion and b) because I decided to listen to this last minute, holy audible.

God is so crazy good.  God chose at the beginning of all of this that this freedom to choose or not choose Him was worth the cost as it enables love.  Free Will is a real thing.  He is speaking and cares about you and your nuggets more than you could ever phantom.  Slow down… be willing to listen… be willing to follow His still small voice.  And buckle up… who knows where this will take you and your family.

I had an amazing night tonight with my family.  Lilly and I swam together for a while.  She giggled and we played.  Next me, Luke and Ben played a board game we all enjoy (they creamed me in it).  A bit later, after watching her snuggle and read a few books to the boys, my amazing wife and I just talked and genuinely enjoyed each other’s time.  Then a few minutes ago my oldest daughter got home from participating in the Teen Court program (don’t worry, not as a defendant) and caught us up and joked with us about how things went.  Soon I will go read for a while and then go hang out for the last bit of the night with Christina, who I really do love more and more every day.

Of course not every night runs exactly this smooth, but even the ones that don’t are all so incredibly worth it.  Nothing is worth sacrificing times like these… not “very important” tasks at work, not possible promotions, not endless classes and volunteer work at church, not fun hobbies.  I got home at 4:30 pm today from work.  1/2 hour later and I would have missed my swim with my own personal little mermaid.  1 hour later and no board game.  2 hours later, lost time with Christina.  A little longer and I would have missed seeing my amazing daughter Trinity right when she got home eager to share her night with us.  If I extend long hours of work over a lengthy period, soon even those hours I was home I would not be truly “present”.  Really think about that for a minute… and then sum those blessings or missed opportunities over our lifespan… over the span of time our children are under our care.

God sets life before us each and every day… but it is always our choice, our daily choice, to take it.

 

There was a really cool parenting moment I wanted to share.  Today, after our flag football game, the church that runs the league held a pizza party.  There were a TON of kiddos and families there of all different ages.

Predictably, once the kids got through pizza and goodies a pretty large group of them started running around on the bleachers in the back, jumping around and being crazy.

I was really impressed that our boys didn’t even ask to go even through I knew a part of them wanted to.  Who wouldn’t?  But they knew it was not the right thing to do.  They could tell.  But what I really wanted to share was what happened next.  I noticed that after a short period of time a small crowd of kiddos started to congregate around each of our boys, who were both at separate tables.  Think about that.  These kids were now having a blast sitting around, talking and joking.  Also having fun, but within the limits of the acceptable behavior for the situation.  Our boys choice to do the right thing spread to others.

I shared with the boys how we are always leading others.  We are always impacting each other.  The question is, which way are we leading?

Will you bend to culture and how everyone else seems to be doing parenting?  Or will you be an instrument where God makes ongoing impacts in the world one situation at a time?  Moments like these make it clear to me that it truly is the narrow path that leads to life.