Author: Patrick Kellley

I remember one day not too far back in our old neighborhood going to the community pool.  This day sticks out because there was a young girl there, somewhere around Trinity’s age, hanging out with 3 boys who were at least a couple years older than her.  They were blaring music, swimming and having fun in the pool goofing off.  No parent in sight.

The next time someone in our family saw this young lady it was under much different circumstances.  Trinity volunteers at Teen Court.  This is where teens who have already been found guilty of a crime go through a courtroom process where there is a real judge, but both lawyers and the jury are fellow teens, to decide punishment.  Trinity was the prosecutor and… very sadly… the young lady from the story above was the one on trial.

I bring this up because it is a crystal clear picture of a major key to parenting.  Even at my daughters age (early teens) there should never be a situation like the one that happened that day at the pool.  “Freedom” and “privacy” are things that should only be earned in very very small increments and much later than you may think.  Some things should simply never be allowed.

The truth is, most parenting in our culture is the equivalent of dropping your toddler off at the ocean, telling them you will be back in a few hours and calling it swimming lessons.  Terms like “socialization” and “over protective parents” are typically cop outs.  People unconsciously accept societies free pass excuses for lazy parenting and living a lifestyle that does not put your kiddos well-being as the priority.

You should control who they see, how often and when… and as much as humanly possible, you should be close by when it happens.  Only when they are truly ready do you slowly start to allow small increments of “freedom” because the truth that is all they are ready for and the first time they are ready for it.  This will lead to some very tough decisions.  Some tough conversations through all stages of your parenting.  You may have to give up your pretty perfect mental pictures of groups of kids running around the neighborhood together or having epic sleepovers.  You will have to be the bad guy at times.  You will have to have hard conversations with family or friends where you choose to do things much differently than they did.

Here is the deal though… think of all of the small decisions that led first to that young girl being at that pool that day… and eventually into that courtroom.  Really think about that for a minute.

This is not to scare you or have you lock the nuggets in a room 24/7.  Your kiddos will have incredibly fulfilling, never short on activity, full lives… but it must happen on your terms and as guided by the Holy Spirit… not what goes for common culture.

Have no regrets.  Parent your way, even though it is hard.   God will bless your efforts and replace your “parenting American dream” with a thriving childhood, full of meaningful relationships, but done his way.  You will have to trust us on this one… but we can’t even begin to tell you how worth it it is.

A walk with a close friend today reminded me of an important principle.  No matter what stage of parenting you are in, being in community is key.

Preferably a segment of your overall community will be peeps in the same season of life as you.  One of the many reasons for this is that without it you can easily slip into the mindset that your difficulties and failures are unique to you and that everyone else has it all together.  All the other Mom’s houses are spotless.  The other Dad’s never lose their temper.  Your baby is the only one not sleeping 12 hours a night.  No one else has ever had this much trouble getting the newborn to nurse.  These are of course all not true.  Sure, some portion of people you talk with will (annoyingly) have one or two of your struggles covered and make it look easy, but if you talk long enough you will see there are other things they are currently working through.

But here is the big warning.  You can go too far with this.  Depending on your personality you may have to really guard against group-think.  One challenging thing in parenting (and all of life really) is to do what you feel like that still small voice is telling you to do.  Especially as parenting goes on through the years you will see big differences between approaches to parenting.  You can’t be blown about by the wind, even if that wind is coming from very dynamic, alpha-type personalities or people you look up to.

Honestly, I have seen loads of very holy-type people that so many looked up to that were a wreck when it came to parenting.  Do what you God is putting on your heart and don’t compromise.  I have plenty of examples, many I will share in future posts, where we have made a hard choice that we didn’t see anywhere else we looked and in each case we have been incredibly blessed by it.

God speaks to us through community.  He wants us to be in community.  We must just make sure that you act on inspiration from Him alone, however He chooses to deliver it.  Often it is in community that God uses someone to plant a seed that He will then water over time.  We must be willing to choose Him and His voice above all others.   And who knows, God may start with you and use you and your example to change a whole community of families… if you choose to listen to His still small voice.

This one will be short, but important.  One key thing that I have noticed about mine and Christina’s parenting style is that we almost never let things slide.  What I mean is that very rarely do our kiddos do something they shouldn’t that we don’t offer some type of correction.

Now for some things it may be as simple as “Be careful,  you are getting really rowdy.  Don’t go too far.”  No big deal.

Other things we treat as a much bigger deal because some issues, many that may even seem small to most, really stem from heart issues that will grow exponentially over the years if not checked.

Take for example a child whining “So and so is using that and I want it and it is not fair.”  That is easy to just let slide,”Well I am sorry, go play.”  However I really believe it is critical to take each and every one of these moments to continually refine and steer the child’s heart in the right direction.

The nice thing about this principle is that it applies to each and every season of childhood.  Little nuggets need this just as much as teenagers.  A small one needs to see consistent reaction every time they test and do something they know they shouldn’t during early training.  A teenager, say one who knows at this point not to talk back disrespectfully, must not be allowed to make a face or storm out of the room without at least communication that that type of behavior is unacceptable.

This all starts with a unwavering focus on being there and being present and at your best when you are there.   This consistency starts with both parents showing up and giving this their all.  New negative behaviors will pop-up like weeds, but they will be easy to spot and deal with quickly in an otherwise beautiful garden that has been carefully cultivated.   This type of small, iterative, ongoing parenting is what leads to kiddos with hearts that are genuinely kind and loving… and it is so incredibly worth it.

I saw this quote in a recent book I read.  While the topic was nowhere near parenting that is the first place my mind jumped for application.  I am sharing it with you to spend some time pondering.  What actionable steps and priority shifts does this bring to your mind?  How may it play into what you say “yes” to personally and as a family?

“Never again clutter your days or nights with so many menial and unimportant things that you have no time to accept a real challenge when it comes along.  This applies to play as well as work.  A day merely survived is no cause for celebration.  You are not here to fritter away your precious hours when you have the ability to accomplish so much by making a slight change in your routine.  No more busy work.  No more hiding from success.  Leave time, leave space, to grow.  Now.  Now!  Not tomorrow!”

Here are a few of our favorite, must-have items from when our nuggets were babies:

1) Hundreds of “burp cloths”.  And not those silly “infant sized” ones.  They should be as large as possible without people thinking you are about to curl up for a nap under it.  You need many because they need to be washed very often.  You have been warned.

2) Boppy

3) White Noise Maker (aka “Sound Machine”).  Nice to have this background noise while they sleep

4) Baby Swing

5) Baby bouncer/vibrating seat

6) Car Seat mat – This is something that goes under the car seat.  You would not believe the science experiments I have seen when pulling a car seat out of cars.  You have been warned.

7) Pack-N-Play – Great for naps and sleeping when travelling or visiting a place during nap time.  Note: there is this silly trick needed when trying to fold or unfold them.  Read the directions.  Simple, but frustrating… especially when little one REALLY needs a nap.

8) Changing Pad – This is just a fold-up pad that you put under baby when changing them.  Great to keep in the diaper bag.  You will need to change them at crazy times and places that don’t scream “hey, let’s lay a little innocent baby on that right there.”  You have been warned.

I want to give a snippet of a few hour block of activity by my three youngest kiddos today.  They had friends, also homeschooled, stop by for a couple hours early in the day.  They spent the whole time outside hanging out and taking videos with Ben’s little camera.

Once their friends left my nuggets got on the computer, supervised, and combined the videos into a sequence to make their own “movie”.  Once they were done they went around planning out how to make their own Halloween costumes from things around the house.  They then asked to ride their bikes so they could literally map out the neighborhood as a part of a big plan to split into two groups with friends when Trick or Treating and communicate with Walkie Talkies.   They finished it off with swimming and a nerf gun/pillow fight.

This was all 100% their own idea.  This was all after finishing their entire school load for the day in a few efficient, focused hours.  Think of the creativity they used.  Think of how differently most of us picture a “school day” (reality, not the Disney Movie version where everyone breaks into song every 5 minutes for no reason).  Most importantly… this was all done together as brothers and little sister.  This was all done with their loving parent by their side.  I won’t use this blog to constantly promote homeschooling, even thought it is tempting. I just want to be a voice for an option not often considered in our society and to share the heart that me, Christina’s and so many others we know have.

Please let us know if you ever have any questions at all on this topic or any other.  Happy parenting.  : )

One of my last posts was a birthday post for Trinity where I tried to use her example to encourage parents who have not yet made it to this stage to know that it is possible and I can tell you that without a doubt.

Tonight I wanted to expand that.  I got the pleasure today to go and speak at one of Trinity’s co-ops.  This is where homeschool families come together once a week to teach together on certain subjects, typically led by a parents who are total nerd for these areas of study.

The reason I bring this up is because right before I spoke a young girl went before me and shared her heart for mission work and how she had just returned from serving and helping underprivileged folks in Bolivia.  She was heading out now for an even longer trip in a different country doing more amazing work and the kids all went up and prayed over her and several were tearing up.  It was absolutely incredible.  This went on for at least 10 minutes (I considered faking an injury because I didn’t know how I would follow up this amazing display of God’s love).

I looked around this room and saw 30 teenage kids, all as different as could be from each other except for the goodness and love and kindness that flowed from each one.

So again… be encouraged, ignore stereotypes and cliches, be willing to be different, focus on love and time together, listen for God’s still small voice… and knock this parenting thing out of the park.  It is possible and you are more than ready for it.

Yesterday was Ben’s birthday.  Benjamin has such a special place in my heart.  He is at an age, even before well before the teenage years, where he is transitioning from a little kiddo to a young man.  He honestly blows me away.

I have never seen a child so naturally wired for people interaction and engagement.  What a wonderful gift to have (although we have long worried about what is going to happen when he falls madly in love at age 10 or 11 and we have to tell him he is too young).

There is something about genuine kindness in young boys around his age that is so striking.  There is this really special thing he does where we will be out somewhere and he will have friends around going a hundred miles an hour and all of a sudden he will walk up to his Momma and give her a hug in front of everyone.  And it is so genuine, no acting of any kind.

I could write pages about him, but the main thing is that I can’t wait to see him grow up and use his gifts and his love to make this world a better place (and probably give us 20 grandchildren).

Benjamin… we are crazy glad you are here and God chose us to hang out with you on this beautiful journey.  Here’s to another year…

I just got done with a full week of stay-cation from work (i.e. a vacation where you don’t go out of town).  What were my plans?  None.  Why did I take this particular week off?  No reason at all.

I took off a random week from work and dedicated it to family time.  And guess what… it was incredible.

Don’t get me wrong.  Trips are great.  In fact, I have realized how special the memories of trips out of town are to kiddos of all ages.  It doesn’t even have to be far or expensive.  Kids tend to LOVE hotels!

With that being said though, there is a huge advantage of stay-cations as well.  I have realized that there is something to the idea that time actually seems to slow down the less “busy” we are.  There were days where we stayed at the house almost the whole day and it just felt like the day had more hours in it.  It seemed like there was so much more time for family interaction, one on one time with the various nuggets, more meaningful conversation with my sweet wife.  In other words, there is a huge “bang for your buck” if you can slow down and enjoy a slower paced time together.

Vacation time offers longer blocks to see this play out, but this is also true of your daily/weekly rhythm.  Ensure you are dedicating enough time to just being together.  Not only will you get more “bang for your buck” during this time, but it will make those trips, runs for ice cream or whatever that much more special.

p.s. An interesting side note is to take some time to think about what I have above in relation to the idea of the Sabbath from the Bible.  This is a cool example where you feel inspiration and realize something cool about the way the world works and then afterwards go back and see that God had actually put the concept there for you, in one form or another, all along.  Cool stuff.

The book below is a really interesting read.  I bring it up in this blog because it is an important example of understanding how others are wired.  This can be an important part of working with your spouse to raise this new little nugget God has entrusted you with.

Even if, on the off chance, your spouse and your first kiddo just happen to be wired very similar to you, it doesn’t mean the next one will be.  Even if all of your kids end up being similar (highly doubtful) there will be their friends and countless others you come across that will bring a large enough sample size that this type of understanding can be very useful.

For this book, one of the main points that stuck out to me is understanding how introverts and extroverts enjoy different types of interactions and are different in what recharges them versus what they find naturally draining.

This book also falls into an interesting genre that you may not have thought to check out.

Enjoy and happy reading.

https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

Note: Common misconception, shyness and Introversion are not the same thing.