Parenting Nuggets

I wanted to share our approach to certain holidays as we march through this year.  Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and as usual I feel we really made the most of it.

While you may not think of kiddos when you think of Valentine’s Day, of course as a close family unit each member is involved.

A few thoughts:
1) We do get each kiddo something small on this day.  For example, we got each kiddo a small special Valentine candy (e.g. a $1 story mini-box of candy) and one other small item (something less than $5).
2) A gift is good because it makes the day special and gives them excitement the night before and when they wake up.  On holidays like this we set the gifts out the night before on the table.
3) “Small” is good because you don’t want to fall into or teach materialism and you are setting a precedent for future years.
4) KEY:  I teach the boy that Valentine’s Day is a day when we can really spoil the girls.  They get to see me express love in various ways to Momma and, to a smaller extent, include my daughters
5) I make sure that the primary focus, despite including the kiddos, is always on Momma.

This is also a great chance to connect a holiday which is “fun” with a more meaningful history.  This holiday is based on Saint Valentine who is a hero of Christian faith.  This and the central theme of Scripture, Love, are two ways on this day, as we should every day, to continue to bring our focus to the one who makes all days possible.

That is my thoughts on this lovely day.  Focus on Love, Focus on Momma, Give God thanks.

I am sure each of you remembers a time when you were cool.  Maybe a few of you, deep down, still believe you remain cool to this very day.  This video will help you understand what you became the instant you had children:  The Post Kiddos You

I have come to realize that each season of life is sacred.  We personally have the fortune to have a large age span across our nuggets so we get to see this so vividly.  But it expands beyond even the kiddos seasons.

For example… God has come to show me how precious peace, calm and quiet is.  Long frequent stretches of that is not a hallmark of these seasons of young kiddos.  The seasons that follow after kiddos do bring these gifts by orders of magnitude more.  This is something to look forward to… but we also know in those times we will use a good bit of that peace to look back and smile with fond memories of these very “eventful” and “spirited” days.  It is all so good.

Enjoy fond memories, but don’t diminish the amazing good right in front of you.  Look forward with excitement, but don’t focus only on anticipating the joys of the next season or this one may pass you by.  Be present and enjoy every moment as much as you can.  They are all sacred.

I am going to share something with you that I would say is surprisingly true.  We humans work better with constraints.

Think about that for a second…

It is interesting, but it is true.  Constraints tend to cause us to focus in on our goal.  On what really matters.  They help put everything in perspective.

I have recently wondered if this is one of the main reasons God “time” into our lives.  Think about it.  It is so very easy to say what our priorities are and it makes us feel so good… but it is only our use of our most precious and limited resource, time, that truly reveals what we care about.

Relating this to parenting… it is easy for us to say family is our core focus… but what does your daily schedule say?  What about our work schedule?  What about those key family decisions?  What about those decisions that trade time for money or prestige or anything else?

What parts of your family routine do you need to plan better?  What hidden “time thieves” exist in your home and daily routine?  What do you need to cut out completely?  Bonus Point:  This is also the key to being highly successful at work without sacrificing anything at home.  View your work day in this same manner with these same questions.

The encouraging thing is that these very real constraints can help us produce amazing good for God’s kingdom.  Being conscious and focusing in on our family produces closeness and relationships that pay life-long dividends.  God then uses your example to lead other families to realize there is more to life.  Your kiddos grow and realize all that you choose to do for them and with them that others don’t and their love for you will grow even more.  Be encouraged.  Be mindful of the constraints and make the most of the time you have.  You will be glad you did…

One of the couple of things that I would say still sticks with me from some of the more fundamentalist focused parenting teaching we received early in our faith journey was the following:  “Discipline for willful disobedience, not childish behavior”.

I think this is a pretty good principle.  Kiddos are not perfect.  Don’t expect them to be.  It is the heart and behavior that is not consistent with their true self that is what we are targeting.

If something is OK, always allow it.  If you see something that is not OK, stop your nugget and explain that it is not allowed (therefore moving it into the obedience/disobedience realm going forward) and then always discipline on future instances.  This reminds me of that related common Kelley saying I have mentioned before:  “That was hilarious… now never, ever, ever do that again.”  : )

Be fair and make that simple assessment… “was this willful disobedience”.

There are tricky cases you will have to wrestle with and this principle is not perfect, but this is certainly worth keeping in mind.

 

The next point up on my mind and hear this go around focuses on consistency.  I know that will sound similar to Day 1 (Constant Vigilance), but I do intend to focus on something a bit different here.

Day 1 was planting the seed on how important it is to be there.  To focus on maximizing how often you are there to catch behavior that is not consistent with your nugget’s true self.

Here I would like you to focus on consistent responses to disobedience.  What I mean is that, as much as is it possible while being realistic, your child should know the discipline coming when they cross a line.  Eventually they will even think about it ahead of time.

My classic example I have used a lot here is the following:
“Billy bob, please stop jumping on the couch………. Billy Bob I asked you to pretty please stop jumping on the couch………………………  Billy Bob…………………………………  BILLY FRANCIS BOB FRANKLIN! AAGGHHHHH!!!!  <insert_more_hysteria_and_screaming_and_over_the_top_discipline_here>“.
However, even worse than that example,  you will see parents completely ignore behavior and then snap and discipline on the 14th time a child does something.  Kids either shutdown in environments or, more likely, just ignore the haphazard discipline.

Realistically, there will be situations where a child did know they were crossing a line based on the fundamentals of all the other rules.  Even if not explicitly spelled out ahead of time discipline should be administered here.  However most of the time everyone knows what time it is, or should.  Most situations are repeat.

I have mentioned this elsewhere, but the younger a child is the more important this is.  Make sure you are not rationalizing excuses why a child should not receive discipline “this time”.  As children get older and can be reasoned with, even at Lilly’s current age, I have seen times when the Holy Spirit makes it clear to us in that still small voice to show extra mercy in a situation.  However this is light years away from withholding discipline for sympathy type reasons.  Every time you address a situation consistently you are sending a message.  Every time you don’t you are sending a different message.  This second case is unfair to tiny humans in your care.

You are going to do awesome and you will be very glad you took the time to do this the right way.   I know we are…

I want to take a quick break on the discipline topic to share something that happened tonight.  We were wrapping up a board game a few minutes before Luke’s bedtime.   I told him to get ready and we would go on a quick walk.

You never know what kiddos are going to get talking about.  But tonight, almost immediately and out of nowhere he said, “Dad, sometimes recently the thought of my tablet comes into my mind and I just REALLY want to play it.  Is that normal?”.  Man, what a cool parenting moment.  And who knows what an important moment in his development that is.  That chance to speak into his life right when temptation is starting to rear its ugly head.  The chance to tell him how normal this all is and give him tips and be on his side… and all because we went on a short walk.  All because we prioritize family and one-on-one time.  So good.  (side note: we focus on limiting screen time each day.  More on that in another post).   He then went on to thank us for setting boundaries and helping ensure that they don’t get lost in video games and so many other things.  He was being totally genuine.  It was cool to see God working in his heart.

Now earlier, just Ben and I went to the store to get everyone a special treat.  He got to bring up the awesome, amazing feeling he had earlier when he helped a younger kiddo in the neighborhood score the game winning goal at the last minute.  Here I just got to listen and reinforce.  To agree with him and God that this is good.  To plant the seed of continuing to seek this type of thing in the future.

God is good.  Life is good.  Parenting is so good and so important.

Be encouraged.  You are changing the world.

Continuing on in the Discipline topic.

Before I get going, I wanted to mention that the post yesterday and all of these posts are goals.  As parents we are to strive for our goals with everything we have… but we are going to stumble.  We can’t be present 100% of the time.  We can’t be within earshot of every second of their life.  Give yourself grace, pick up the pieces and start fresh.   Ok, on to principle #2…

DISCIPLINE KEY #2:  Be Ridiculously in Charge

So part of the reason for the name of this principle is just because I saw it in a management book and loved it.  But it does lead my thoughts into one of the hardest points I will discuss.  Something I am still wrestling with a bit.

The key here is that the child can never “win”.  They can never end the back and forth on top.  They cannot walk away thinking, “whatever”, or “so, sometimes they won’t get up when I do this” or “I don’t care, I am going to touch it.”

That makes sense.  Sounds clear and easy.

However, what about those times with a tiny nugget where they clearly cross the boundary?  What if they ignore you when you give “that look” and make
“that face”?  What is your final trump card?  This principle leads us to the part of discipline that brings up very strong feelings… spanking and related repercussions.

Our nuggets did receive spankings.  Not often (well ok, most phases and days not often), but they knew this was waiting if they crossed certain lines.  It did “work”.  In fact, many very conservative Christians focus on this as the hallmark of “good parenting”.  They use verses such as “spare the rod, spoil the child” to justify this.  I now think it is more complicated than that now (i.e. the “rod” is not literal. bonus tip: don’t say that last part to any fundamentalist at a dinner party… not a good conversation starter).

For the past few years we have successfully disciplined without any spanking.  Honestly, this has been highly effective.  It feels more like we are getting to the heart.  It has worked.

That being said, this started a while after we had tiny tots (mini-nuggets) in the house.  I honestly do wonder what I would do if we had a new little one roaming these halls.

Here is what I believe I am supposed to share with you guys on this topic:
1) I would LOVE to handle even these tiny tots without spanking or anything similar
2) I believe it would be really hard to properly parent and teach a tiny tot without a willingness to give a small pop on the hand or something similar.
3) I believe it would be better to choose to take an action like this than to not properly handle these situations.  When that small child looks at you, knows what not to do/touch/etc. and does it that cannot fly.  These are KEY moments.
4) If you choose to take a small physical action… and like I said I believe it is most likely the right thing to do…  phase it out with other forms of discipline as  they are old enough
5) Obviously, if you do use small actions like a smack on the hand or even spankings, make it a goal to never do it when angry
6) Think hard about how you will handle these situations in public (church, grocery store, etc.).  This will happen.  Prepare yourself.  Are you prepared to walk to the car with a screaming child without losing your cool?  Are you mentally ready to leave your buggy and groceries?  Are you prepared to leave an event you were excited about and handle your frustration?
7) ***really hard for some personalities*** Be ridiculously in charge in public.  Don’t let things slide in public just because people are around.  (side note: Christina and I have both been thanked in situations, mostly by older people, who have appreciated us being firm and handling something in public.)
8) Pray for inspiration/guidance on this.  See what God says to you.  Don’t do anything because it was how you were raised or even because you couldn’t imagine handling discipline a certain way.  Be willing to listen to that still small voice.  Be intentional and think about it.
9) Bonus Point:  Training to not go into the road from the yard is an excellent application of this principle.

One more point:  This principle shows why something like distracting your kiddos when they are wrestling with whether or not to touch the object or cross the line is NOT a good idea.  This does not teach them anything.  I am smiling now because I remember so many moments during training of a small child where siblings would want to run up with toys or games or food or live animals or anything to distract the tiny tot away from the object they were tearing up over, deciding if they would reach for it again.  But I would not let them.  Those were formative moments.  I would even suggest having things that are not dangerous or overly messy out around eye level to use for training.  Non-glass drink cups are good for this.  Something in the middle of a coffee table that won’t break is another.  Train using the object (“This is a no, no.”) and then have the nugget notice it and sit and watch.  If they inch or reach calmly say “No.”.  It they continue say it a bit firmer.  If they touch it… well, that is what the last part was about.  : )

This whole discipline topic really is such a key to parenting.  Focus on the heart.  Knock this out of the park and it will be an investment that pays off in more of the crazy enjoyable time with your nuggets.  Listen to corrections from God and ask your nuggets for forgiveness when you mess up.  Pray for help on things you want to handle better.

You are going to be awesome at this.  Not perfect… but crazy awesome.

So I know a lot of you have been curious about discipline.  Those of you with little beautiful babies can’t imagine needing it, but these are little humans who are going to need you to train them on life… and of course life includes discipline…….. and as a parent you will find some phases need lots and lots of discipline.

I wanted to split this into a few posts to really emphasize key points.

DISCIPLINE KEY #1:  Constant Vigilance

That may seem like a weird title for the first thing to focus on, but the rest of the items really do rest on it.  Here is what I mean… our goal is to never, ever let anything slide.  Ever.  We are not perfect at it, but that is the goal.

I think we have all heard about how our brain picks up a habit after some set number of days enforcing it.  Those of us who have tried to cut out a habit know how strong of a force they can be.  This is the same type of principle with kiddos.  The more quickly we catch behavior that is not in bounds with our nugget’s true selves the more we reinforce the good.  Every time we miss it or “let it slide” the more we get the opposite.   (notice here again… showing up and being there is SO much of the battle)

This will be hard on certain days.  You will be tired.  It is easy to get distracted.  It takes time and energy to correct.  But thinking about what I just said above you are really taking on “parenting debt” every time something slides by.

And this will come up.  Kids are naturally wired to test boundaries.  This is how they explore and understand the world.  You will get plenty of chances to reinforce good behavior… trust me.  But you can be successful.  I can guarantee you that (4x guarantee).

Maximize the time you are there with them.  Maximize the amount that you are present and attentive.  <Warning: sensitive point coming> This is also one of many major reasons why I believe all parents should seriously seriously seriously consider homeschool and avoiding/limiting situations like daycare whenever possible (I do understand how big of a deal that is of course).

One final note:  As kiddos get quite a bit bigger and can be reasoned with there may be times the Holy Spirit nudges you to let something off with a serious discussion and not the normal consequence.  Notice however that this is not “letting it slide”.  The negative behavior was addressed, but in this case God instructed Grace.  You will be able to tell the difference between this and you just coping out because discipline is hard.  This is again the very dynamic nature I see in true, God-inspired parenting.

So that is it… be there, don’t let anything slide.

More to come…

I talk a lot on here about listening for that still small voice of inspiration from the God.  Recently I felt inspired to add something to our weekly routine.  We already have Family Movie Night Mondays.  The new inspiration was to add in a second night for family board game and devotion time.  Tonight was the first of them and I wanted to share a few interesting nugget nuggets.

First, a really interesting thing happened.  For whatever reason Luke was super drained/tired when I arrived home from work.  His mind was naturally looking for a relaxing recharge so he quickly started a sales pitch on why tonight would make a great night for us to watch another movie… with a 30-minute short show being his secondary bargaining position.  On top of this, for whatever reason I could tell Ben really didn’t want to sit down and play a game either.  I think he was hoping, if Luke failed at his movie pitch, for additional outside play time.  This time I felt I should stick to my guns so after dinner we sat down to play a game together.  Luke got the pick this inaugural week (my “you lost this negotiation because this is not a democracy” consolation prize).  And you know what…….. it was awesome.  Everyone had an amazing time and they even begged to play another round.

Second, I stopped them any time they started to try and do anything else while waiting for their turn.  Isn’t our culture amazing?  Even young children at this age, not even armed with “constant Facebook/news/sports feed in your pocket”, are already wired to “optimize” every moment of the day.  No wonder we have so much trouble believing in, let alone hearing, that still small voice of inspiration from God.  Each time I told them that they were to focus on being “present” in this moment.  The result was not only a better game, but more genuine family time.

Third, during the devotion time we discussed Spiritual gifts because prophecy and related topics had come up earlier with Christina during homeschooling.  This is a great example of one of those annoying things where kiddos ask the questions you think you have thought through, but really you just quit thinking about it at some point.  Anyway… a couple of things that stood out to share with you all was the benefit of including personal stories of people we knew (helped the kiddos relate to our day) and also presenting current views and example church denominations who feel differently on how (whether) these gifts operate today.  I would also suggest you continue to ask God to show you these spiritual blind spots so you can begin/continue to wrestle with them.

That is it for tonight.  I hope you night was as awesome with your nuggets as the very first Kelley Family Board Game & Devotion Night was here.  Here is to many more…

I have started to realize as time has gone on the incredible importance of managing rest/energy-levels of ourselves and our nuggets.

We have always been very focused on nap times, starting back with Trinity.  We would say “No” to fun family events, leave places early, ask for events with family to be shifted in time… all for the sake of nap and bed time.

Lately the focus has been expanding past that.  I have started to see that everyone from myself down to Lilly need time during the day where they just need to take a few minutes and go be by themselves.  We will call a quick timeout and have them go into their rooms.  I could see this with a very little one as well where you switch from a rowdy activity to reading a book or an extra sleep time.

This is huge.  Not only does it help avoid issues that throw off family time, but it also teaches the incredibly important lesson of self-awareness.  We are preparing these mini-humans to be able to function outside of our homes one day.  So for the sake of your current home life and the future of your nuggets, tuck this one away and ask the Holy Spirit to remind you when you personally need a few minutes or when one of your nuggets do.