Parenting Nuggets

Tonight a very serious topic came up on a walk and talk with Ben.  He started talking and soon I realized he was having some early wrestling with suffering and tragedy in the world.

I found myself discussing something that God had just reminded me about in my reading earlier that day (during our family nap/quite time in the middle of the day).  I told him about Greg Boyd’s view of tale of Job from Scripture.  God directly answers Job at the end of this story, but does it in an unexpected way that is somehow beautiful… and Job gets it… even though it is not the response he expected.  In my discussion with Ben it helped shift the focus to faith and God’s goodness and love while leaving space to wrestle and wonder, in fact showing that the wrestling is a good thing (God commends Job for his genuine and honest approach… even though he was wrong.  He chastises the “friends” who simply served up religious right-sounding verbiage of the day).

I was glad to be able to offer him more than empty, pious, religious statements.   We as a culture are addicted to certainty and scientific answers, but that is not how God rolls.

May your answers to your kiddos seeking always be genuine and true and never like that of Job’s “friends”.

Link to one of the sermons on this from Boyd:  Link

Pop-Quiz…

Question 1:  What is the obvious replacement when you run out of tape?
Answer:  That is right, glue of course.

Question 2:  What will your 5-year old naturally turn to when they run out of tape while hanging their self-made colored pictures on the wall while decorating the house for Christmas?  Something you allow them to do because it is so darn cute.
Answer:  As we found out… the answer here is also Glue…. glue.

Bonus Question:  How easy is it to get large, 5-year-old’s amount of Elmer’s Glue off of a painted wall.
Answer:  You guessed it… not very easy at all.

Bonus Question 2:  What would be a nice 5-6 foot long banner type decoration that will look good on a school-room wall?  Something that would be hung about eye-level for a 5-year-old?
Answer;  I will let you know when we figure this out.

We really just wanted to share this funny story with everyone, but there are a couple of interesting nugget nuggets here.
1) As best you can mentally prepare your nugget by thinking of as many of these things as you can.  Continually reinforce things like:  “Do we color on anything besides paper?  Do we color on the wall?… Nooooo…” as well as “Do we ever cut anything besides paper?  Do we ever cut our own hair?  Noooo…” and of course “Do we ever use a gallon size amount of Elmer’s Glue on the wall to hang self-made Christmas decorations (again)… Nooooo…….”.    By the way, the last house we moved out of we left a pretty large and impressive drawing of a butterfly on one of the walls in crayon.

2) Even more important than the above… there will be plenty of these moments where you get to learn how good you are at avoiding curse words in your initial response.  Seriously though, try everything you can to be calm in these moments.  Whether they meant to or not, whether they knew it was wrong or not, there will be moments like this and nothing good will come from you scaring these tiny wonderful children of God.

3) For that previous point (#2 )above to work, it will require you to let go of your desire for everything to be perfect.  Your house paint is going to be a wreck a short time into the little nugget years.  Your carpet will have that one stain.  There will be stuff on the roof of the van that no scientist on earth can explain (still don’t know how this happens, crazy).  Clean and promote order, but don’t make perfection the goal.  These moments will expose if you don’t have this down.

Good luck.  I can’t wait to hear your funny stories.  Just remember how much you laughed at this one of ours.   : )

So here is one that may not be that popular, but I am going to talk about our approach to CHRISTmas, or more specifically, Santa.  We choose to tell the kiddos that it is a story, like so many others they love, but that is all… and it is fine to enjoy the story through books, movies, etc.

So…. first off this really is your choice.  Do what you feel is right.
That being said, as a fair warning, if you do choose to run with the Santa thing here are some sample parenting responses you should have locked and loaded:
– “Sorry Mary Ann, but Santa just doesn’t visit poor families.  That is just the way it is.  Have a candy cane.”
– “Yes Timmy, your cousin did receive about $3,000 worth of gifts at his home despite all signs pointing to the coal to toys ratio being much higher, but “c‘est la vie”
– “Wow, good point Bartholomew, we would be wasting our money on this Angel Tree or Foster Child gift… let’s send a letter to the north pole instead.  Great catch!”
– “Listen little Jill, you need to ignore those feelings of fear and anxiety and climb on the lap of that middle aged man at the mall with a costume on who smells of bourbon.  It’s frickin Christmas!”

Of course I am kidding around……….. well, at least I am only a bit serious…….. well… anyway.

I really just share our approach because this tends to be something parents don’t even think to think about.  It is just a part of our culture.  Tons of awesome parents do the Santa thing.  Many love the magic and wonder of it.  I just want to make sure it is something you realize there are multiple options for and make a conscious decision on.

Here are a few points from our approach:
1) We place a lot of value in honesty from our kiddos.  It is nice not having a huge direct lie we have told them for years.  “So… all of that spiritual stuff we told you is totally true… it is just this one tiny thing we (your most trusted peeps) and movies and books and strangers have been lying about for years.  Have a candy cane”.
2) KEY POINT:  I can tell you without a doubt our kiddos enjoy this season more than you can imagine.  As much as any kiddo  you have ever met.
3) The whole Santa story is really not great.  Many people already have trouble breaking out of this rewards based culture or view of life events.  Also, kids should not be trained to behave for awards, but because it is the right thing to do… it is a part of who they are… their true selves.
4) It helps focus on the real meaning of CHRISTmas.  That can be a difficult thing in our culture by the way…

Some difficulties from our approach:
1) Some family may flippity flip on you about this or think you have lost your overly religious ever-loving mind.  Not as many as you think, but some may… some may.
2) It is not tough to do, but you have to train your kiddos not to tell other kiddos………….. about the boldfaced, society-level lie (sorry, couldn’t help it… I tried not to write that last part.  I really did.)
3) You have to have kiddos ready for the frequent occurrence of strangers that ask them if Santa is bringing them lots of toys

Hope this at least gets the conversation started.  Do what you fell is right.  Like everything, follow the Holy Spirit.   Enjoy this season… it is wonderful.  God is crazy good and the nativity is the start of the main act of the most important event that ever happened.

One fun family goal is to start a small collection of CHRISTmas movies.  We have accumulated quite a few over the years and it is one of the main things our kiddos look forward to during this season.

A few tips:

1) Be selective.  There are only so many time slots during December (a busy family month)

2) Have at least a couple that are shorter.  There are some good ones that only last 30 minutes or so

3) The old classic CHRSTmas movies are mostly terrible.  I know that will break a few hearts and it is only my opinion… but it is also a scientific fact.  Just skip Rudolph, Frosty, etc.  Or watch it by yourself, but spare your poor kiddos.

4) Have one special one that speaks to your kiddos about the true meaning of CHRISTmas and save it for CHRISTmas eve.  For us it is this one:   The Very First Noel

 

Maybe one of the most applicable and important story for parents that Jesus told is that of Mary and Martha.  The importance of this, especially in our culture, continues to grow in my mind.

One of my favorite authors brought this story up in something I read tonight.  He noticed that Martha’s real issue is not that she is doing the typical thing of her day in that situation.  Jesus corrects her with hopes of waking her up to the fact that she is not “present” in the moment.  Her frustration is a clue to this.

What a perfect place for Jesus to teach us about this.  In a typical situation we find ourselves in, so much to do, while Mary provides the perfect contrast… sitting at Jesus’ feet fully present with the “one thing” that is truly needed in this life.

In whatever you do… be present.  Wake up.  In every moment of our lives this is available to us and a challenge to us.  Quit confusing activity and accomplishment with progress.  Challenge every “should”.

Consider rereading this story with fresh eyes and a fresh and honest look at applying it to your life.  Slow down and be present… with God, with yourself, with your spouse, with your nuggets, with nature, with the stranger, with all of life.

Here are a few of our favorite songs from over the years that we would sing to the little ones as they grew up.

skinnamarinky dinky dink  (Lilly’s current fav, partly because I tickle her at the end).

You are my Sunshine   (One we sang for years to Trin)

Winnie the Pooh – Little Black Raincloud   (my favorite to sing currently. Lilly also likes this one because I make the pretend bees “get” her at the end.  From this classic:  Video)

Yes, Jesus Love Me

This Little Light of Mine

Goodnight Sweetheart, Goodnight    (complete with the deep “duh duh duh dun dum”)

Rockabye Baby on the Treetop  (but only good for as long as they are not old enough to understand the crazy lyrics)

Head Shoulders Knees and Toes is a fun song, but not a good “getting ready for bed” track.

 

Eventually it will happen.  You will be woken up by a kiddo who is not just scared or having trouble sleeping, but instead has a dreaded tummy bug.

I don’t know what scientific principle comes into play here, but 90% of the time if one of your nuggets gets sick it is in the middle of the night.  This post is to get you as prepped as you can be for this dreaded event.

First, whatever ends up dirty (blankets, sheets, jammies, towels), do NOT listen to your first instinct to get it into the washer as quickly as possible.  Instead get it outside.  Next, while one parenting is tending to the child (comforting, rubbing back, getting redressed, etc.) the other one should hose off the soiled articles.  The reason for this is that the washer is not made to handle this situation (enough said).  To get really prepared, either leave a hose hooked up or at least keep it in an easy to access location.  It is best to have one of those sprayer handles attached.  Finally, lay things out on a fence or somewhere similar to dry or you will track gross water through the house.  The next day at some point they should be dry enough to not drip on their way to the washer.  Some of the newer cycles have a “sanitize” setting, but either way wash on as high a temp setting as possible.

Second, resist the kiddos request for water.  Water contributes to tummy sickness.  Yeah… wish I had heard that one a few years earlier than I did.  (enough said again).  The next day once they start to feel better you can get Ginger Ale, Pedialite, Gatoraid to rehydrate.

Third, as kiddos get older train them that if they ever feel sick to go to the toilet.  Not the sink, not the bathtub, not the trashcan.  This does not come naturally to a kid (enough said again).

Fourth, follow the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) or something else similar.  This is not going to be a kid favorite at all, but it is better than the alternative.

Finally, in my experience this is usually one of those things you just have to get through.  It is not normally a doctor visit thing.  Just bunker down, quarantine, sanitize, do your best.

This is an aweful experience, but in a weird way it can be very bonding.  For a child to have both parents there for them in this very hard time is special.  Those moments where you lay the kiddo back down in clean jammies (and pray with everything you have it is the last time you see them that night) are very sweet.

Good luck.  : )

p.s.  I will probably follow up with all of the stuff Christina thinks of once she reads this.  : )

My family experienced a tragedy recently with the loss of one of my older brothers.  The type of thing no one should ever have to go through.  The type of thing that sends shockwaves through a family and a community.

I have been wondering how this would intersect with this blog and today something came to me.  I want to reiterate how important it is to think through and analyze your theology, especially that of God’s goodness and suffering/difficulty in this world.

Some time ago I posted a resource written by Greg Boyd on this topic (Link)  While I am sure he and I would see certain things differently, I believe he has an example of a theology that takes very seriously God’s ultimate goodness and the reality of suffering without, my opinion here, the shoulder shrug version you will hear in most churches.  You see, saying, “well, God is good and one day you will understand” all sounds great on the mountaintop, but in the valley it can be earth, and even worse, faith-shattering.

I see this very clearly in our current tragedy.  Thanks to the rock God has built over the years for me I am able to process through this tragic event while still being there for my family during things like Thanksgiving and a recent birthday.  I cannot say the same for others whose foundation seems to have crumbled at the time they needed it most.

God is good.  God is love.  That I am sure of.  That is the foundation to build your life and family on.  That foundation that becomes so very important during the worst of storms.

You never realize how dependent human beings are on sleep until you have a baby.  I remember one of the most amazing moments in all of life is waking up that beautiful morning and realizing a new nugget has slept for the first time multiple hours without needing a feeding.

We have always been very focused on sleep for the nuggets in our parenting.  We try and follow routines near bedtime.  These are  stricter for little ones, a bit looser after a few years, but always with the goal to get to bed right at bedtime.   We also look for times when our kiddos need to go down just a bit early.

I recently looked up tips on sleeping and I thought I would share it.  Keeping everyone well rested and exercised goes a long way in parenting.

https://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-tools-tips/healthy-sleep-tips

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/sleep/art-20048379

I was on a walk-and-talk with Ben tonight and I asked told him to let me know if he ever thinks of anything I should share on this blog.

Never one to shy away from participating in communication, he thought for a minute and came up with one.  In so many words, he suggested sharing the idea of letting kiddos be their own person.

The cool thing about that is that I probably would not have thought of that as a subject.  However, I can tell you as a self-appointed expert on kids movies that the theme comes up enough to show that there are a ton of adults, or at least kid’s movie script writers, that have been affected by parents getting this wrong.   “Dude… I’m sorry… but that is totally your dream Dad… not mine”  (source credit: movie scene I just made up in my brain)

Realize ahead of time that your child will need to experiment with different hobbies.  They may have different interests and end up wired very different than you are.  There may be activities you REALLY want them to be a part of that they have zero interest in.  Try and fight against setting things in stone and charting your child’s course out for them.  Be willing to discard those idealized images of your kiddo absolutely loving some activity you think would be just so great for them.  Focus on enjoying the ride and always being there.  (Of course you will set boundaries, say no at times and even make them try new things, but that is much different than forcing your exact vision)

It is hard to imagine how big of an impact you will have on your child.  We can never grasp how important and impactful of a role we play.  But a part of that impact needs to be the communication that your role is to act as a guide… to walk with them along the winding road as they discover what they want to do, what their strengths are and who they will be.  God is painting a masterpiece.  Enjoy your part in the whole thing.