Parenting Nuggets

The other day we stopped by the Grand Opening event for the gym type thing Christina and I joined.  It was a neat experience where we could show the kiddos where Mom and Dad go to exercise (you forget that a lot of this is a mystery to them… I would love to be able to see inside of their minds to get a glimpse of what they picture).

When we were there I overheard a Mom who was not yet signed up asking about pricing and details.  She made an incredibly honest comment that really stuck out to me.  She told the employee assisting her that she wanted to try this place out “so that she may have more energy and hopefully stop being so mean to her kids all the time.”  She was half laughing, but you could tell there was plenty of truth behind the remark.

A few quick points that come to mind after hearing this:

1) This type of honesty is often hidden in parenting as folks try and pretend they have everything 100% together.  It is important you begin to practice opening up to people you trust (maybe not the gym lady), people who share your worldview.  You will be surprised at how genuine the moments of closeness can be when you are willing to initiate this.  This “I’m good” pretending can even happen between spouses without realizing it.  Monitor this tendency in yourself.  Question it.  Pray for help being open and genuine in moments when the time and audience is right.

2) I believe the mom from this real life example is really on to something profound here that I have experienced myself.  Our brains get motivated when we attach meaning to something. Committing to beginning a good habit, such as exercise, or stopping a bad one becomes much easier if our goal is to have more energy to invest in those we love or to be more present more often at home.  Ask God to show you things you should start doing and those you should stop AND to constantly remind you of just how important it is.

3) You have to monitor and be willing to invest in yourself (physically, spiritually, mentally, happiness/joy) to be able to bring your best self to those you want to love and serve.  Of course this is not an excuse to go and golf for hours each weekend or go spend hours in “me time” each day, but I wanted to add this because I know there are those out there that will feel guilty shutting the door for prayer, reading a book after a flurry of activity, going to and paying for a gym membership, taking a nap, etc., etc..  Don’t.  Be self-aware, monitor yourself, listen to that still small voice and take real concrete steps to stay as close to your true self as possible.  That is the self your family and this world really needs.
(Note: If you spouse is wired different than you and doesn’t understand at first how you recharge or why you are doing something that fits into this category explain it to them, possibly in the terms I have above).

 

I have always hated stereotypes about parenting.  It is amazing how fatalistic our culture can be about this topic?  “You’re having a girl?!  Oh, boy.  Watch out!”… yeah, thanks a lot for that one.

The reason I bring this up in this birthday post is because one of the last of these we were able to disprove by personal example is the “Oh boy, just wait until they are a teenager!”  Trinity is finally at the age where I can say that this stereotype, like so many others, is an awful lie that should be hated with a fiery passion.

Well ok, so maybe that is going a bit far.  The truth is that all of these stereotypes come from a small kernel of truth that is then given a fatalistic conclusion.  Teenagers go through, without any approval process by the parent, a natural God-given multi-year transition so that they can begin the process of being ready to be out from under their parent’s direct care eventually.  Neither the child or the parent is fully ready for this and, like all change, it is challenging… but at its core it is a beautiful thing and nothing you can’t handle.

I will write more about this in the future of course, posts on things like the beautiful relationship Christina and Trinity have and many other topics, but for now I bring it up because Trinity has arrived at the point where I can encourage you that IT IS POSSIBLE to do this transition well and it is a wonderful season plus  a huge privilege to fill this role in your child’s life.

Trinity is responsible, beautiful, incredibly smart, deeply spiritual, loving, genuine and all around amazing.  We are so proud of her and, like with all birthdays, we celebrate just how glad we are that she is here and that God chose us to guide along this journey.  Happy birthday Trinity.

One of the more recent parenting inspirations we felt was to allow the kiddos to take turns to decide how we spend our giving money each month.  I LOVED this idea.

Luke started things off.  He selected school supplies for needy families for part of his money.  The other thing he picked I found to be super cool.  He asked to find an organization that was helping the environment.  Luke loves any type of creature so it was really neat to see God use this part of His personality to do good in this area that honestly Christians are not known for caring about nearly enough (which became even more apparent as we searched for organizations to support, but I digress).  God used the heart of a child to make this world a better place.

We would highly suggest this when they are big enough to participate.  Even when they are too young to help select you can tell them, in terms they can understand, about causes and people you choose to help support so that a giving heart enters their worldview and stays there through repeated exposure.  Plant the seed and watch God water it.  Good stuff is guaranteed to grow.

I honestly can’t wait to see what else the kiddos come up with over the months and years to come.

We just wrapped up the last part of our birthday celebrations for Lillybug.  She is now 5 years old.

She is so full of life.  She is this odd mix of mature for her age, but still super snugly, majorly little kidish and not afraid to dance at the drop of a hat or run around in her underwear at home.   Man we love that kiddo.

Lilly’s birthday is a great example of how contentment can be taught.  Even at five in the midst of presents and cards coming in the mail, us doing special things, she is content.  She is thankful.  And I am so grateful God spoke to us in His still small voice somewhere along the parenting journey and showed us how important it was to focus on that… and equally importantly that we were slowed down enough at that point at least long enough to receive it.

So as with all birthdays, we focus on showing them how special they are to us.  As I mentioned in the first bday post, we want to communicate the message that we are super glad you are here and that God chose us to be your familia.

In our culture there is a non-stop pull on our time and attention.  It is critical to realize this.  Another important aspect of this is to realize that often these are very valid and good things.  Our challenge is not to do every “good” thing that happens to pass within our view, but rather to prioritize and make the main things the main things.  To be intentional about what we will dedicate our lives to.  To not let marketers, our jobs, our hobbies or even our churches dictate how we invest our most valuable resource… time.

I am going to break something to you.  This pull on your attention and time only grows with kiddos (<insert sound of loud “Amen!” from experience parents>).

Lately I have felt like we needed to invest a bit more of our resources as a family into our faith.  Like maybe the Holy Spirit was whispering that we may be resting on our strong foundation in place, and not spending enough time focused on continuing to grow our relationship with Him.  One of our ideas to act on this was to add a middle of the week longer devotion time.

It was scheduled for tonight, but once we returned from an activity out  everyone was tired, everyone had a routine they wanted to transition into, Trinity had school work, Luke was a bit off, Ben wanted to unwind before bed… on and on and on.  There were a million reasons not to, but we pushed forward with sitting as a family and all watching a sermon together.  And you know what… it was hard to even describe type of AWESOME.  The message spoke to each of us and we were all crazy refreshed (Trinity actually said it was her favorite message she has ever heard).

KEY:  Overall we were rewarded for choosing to listen to that still small voice and make spending time focused on Him a priority.  We chose the main Good over the lesser counterfeits.

But this is not just a spiritual point.  He will guide us in what seem like everyday decisions.  How much sports is too much for your family?  Maybe soccer is fine, but are you willing to stop before the teams start travelling each weekend?  Maybe you will find that your church involvement or even ministry time is taking too much of your family resources at this parenting stage of life.  Maybe you are letting your work have too much control over your priorities.  The point is that He is always there gently directing us to Himself, which is always greater, always more loving, always More… if we are willing.  He knows exactly what that next step looks like for each of us.

I will leave you with a related quote by the great C.S. Lewis:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

 

So this is one of the more fun and practical ones.

Consider setting a weekly or bi-weekly reminder towards the end of summer/start of fall to regularly look for deals at your favorite store (Walmart, Target, etc.) for summer stuff clearance.  Those of us in Florida know that it is pretty safe to assume it is going to be crazy hot for many months the following year… starting only a short time after the crazy heat leaves us.

In your mind, fast forward to how old your nugget(s) will be next year and think of what they will enjoy.  Old enough for a little splash pool?  Maybe finally big enough for one of the many above ground pool sizes available?  Will they need water wings, diving sticks, beach balls?  Maybe even a slip-n-slide?  What about beach equipment (a legit beach umbrella will change your life when it comes to kiddos wanting to spend hours playing)?  Water shoes for more adventurous areas?

Enjoy this tip and stay cool.  : )

Note:  I thought of this post because this year we splurged on an above ground pool.  As a side note, I would highly recommend the warranty on this purchase if it is slightly affordable.  We had a hole in ours and they just refunded the entire purchase.  We then went back to the store and repurchased a new one, now at end of the season clearance price (yes, I admit I did a small happy dance in the store).

Note 2:  We have never had any luck with those little baby floats.  For some reason I have never seen a tiny tot want to stay in one of those.  We always just end up holding them.  You can give it a shot, but save the receipt just in case.  

 

Having your first kiddo is a totally new season of life in a lot of ways.  One interesting case is in relation to yours and your spouse’s family.  You see, before this bundle of joy arrives everyone knows all of the rules of the game.  Sure, there may have been some interesting family transition moments when you got married, but from my experience they don’t hold a candle to having your first child.

Of course every family member is different, but I have seen it enough times to realize that in ever couple’s extended family there is usually at least one person that this can be tricky with.  For some family members you go from “Wow, look how grown up they are and how well they are doing” to looking similar to Homer Simpson holding a baby while drinking a beer and water skiing.  Maybe a slight exaggeration, but the point is the new nugget has the potential to throw the whole previously settled social dynamic into a swirl.

I think this unsettling of the social dynamic is a good way to picture it because it will help you be aware and on the lookout.  Here is your key guiding principle: this kiddos is yours and your spouses responsibility… period.  That principle needs to trump all else.

As early as you can look for opportunities to communicate this. Be ready, willing and able to say “No”.  The earlier you establish the ground rules the earlier the social dynamic can be resettled and you can parent your own way.

The extreme of this is going to be hard to hear… but honestly you have to be willing to go as far as to tell them you are going to have to limit how much that particular family member is allowed to be around the kiddos if something doesn’t change. The good news is I personally have never seen it go this far.

For some of you this is going to be easy.  You don’t have an issue telling anyone how you feel.  For others, this type of confrontation is difficult.  For the first group, your difficulty will be to ensure you are being kind and empathetic.  Often a lot of people’s identity gets wrapped up in parenting, as you will find out, and telling a parent you will do something different than they did needs to be delivered with care.  For this second group, pray and be on the lookout.  Fight those feelings of anxiety that come up and try and overcome them.  If you miss the opportunity to speak up, call later or as a last resort have your spouse help you write an email.  Speaking of spouses, be careful not to take the anxiety of this difficulty out on your spouse and use a united front when explaining why (i.e. no “well, Jonny doesn’t want to”.  Just remember, taking care of it as early as possible and as directly as possible.  Kindness and directness can and should go together.

An interesting topic you and your spouse need to discuss related to this is how much your kiddos are alone with family.  My take on this is that if you are going to leave your nugget alone with family you better feel VERY confident that everyone will operate according to your rules and way of doing things.  “What happens at Grandma’s stays at Grandmas” is a cute bumper sticker, but terrible way to run your family unit.

I could go on in this area, but instead I will just leave you with some hope in case this is an area of difficulty for you.  Over the years, both mine and Christina’s family now are totally relaxed around us.  The rules of the game have been set and everyone knows their role, which is liberating for all.  If a kiddo asks for something, everyone naturally knows to say “go ask your Mom or Dad.”  If someone offers something to even our youngest they naturally know to come and run it by us.  Even better, most already know what is and what is not allowed.  All is good and we can enjoy awesome time with all of our family.  It was well worth the work it took to get to this point.  I hope you are willing and end up with the same experience.

We had a really fascinating moment with the kiddos a few days before the hurricane that just rolled through Florida hit.  There was a lot of buzz around the house on whether or not we were leaving and what we would do.  Christina and I were fielding questions and trying to listen to guidance from the Holy Spirit on what we would do (leave or stay).

The interesting part came when we sat all of the kiddos down and asked them, “how do you feel about all of this?”  It turned out that my boys were more worried about the whole thing than I thought.  Their whole face changed once I asked that question and I could tell that there was fear there that was not being shown on the surface, even though I know them both so well.   I don’t think I will ever forget that moment.

This shows just how important that closeness is and how important it is to slow down and be available to those promptings God gives you to ask those types of questions.

While my oldest shared that she was not afraid at all, she trusted that we would keep her safe, I was also very interested in her response as well.  She is very organized and gains comfort from having things in order.  Not knowing what we would do, when we would do it, how long things would be different brought a real level or anxiety to her.

These examples do a great job to showcase that each nugget is so different.  You must be willing to invest the time, show up and be willing to rely on the dynamic nature of the Holy Spirit and not cookie cutter parenting approaches.  The good news is that it is so worth it…

Bonus note: The storm also showed how important it is to shield kiddos from “news” and social media, even during very important times such as these.  These “tools” are geared towards capturing and keeping your attention, no matter the cost.  This is important in the home, but also important to watch for when you are out.  You are in charge of filtering and directing what comes into their young minds.  These things also grab your very valuable attention and energy that you need for parenting so find ways to limit them to only the bare minimum.   Be willing to be different and take drastic steps for the greater good. 

Probably the most important thing that Christina and I can share with you through this blog is solidarity and grace.

Our culture is so individualistic.  People in this mode tend to put on their best mask of having it all together when they go out or invite people in.  Everyone goes around thinking that everyone else has it all together all of the time.

Hopefully this blog gives you the insight that allows you to afford yourself some grace.  99.999% of everything you will may go through is totally normal.

“But what about _______?”… yep, normal.  Been there done that.

“But my kiddo just did the most awful, unthinkable thing that was totally not like them”… yep, experienced that one.  Have something like that come up with one of the kiddos every 6 months or so.  That is a tough one.  Here is what we did…

“Some days I feel like a failure or like I could scream… wait I did scream”… amen.  Been there… this week actually… Have some ice cream or go for a run… or both.  Give yourself some time and space and then show up again tomorrow.  Apologize for your part in the mess and be frank and up front about how things need to change in the future.

My main point… we experienced parents have been there.  Some of us have gotten to the point to be honest about it and share our struggles and difficulties.  We can also look at the overall picture and see all of the good and tell you it is totally worth it.  Seeing the image of God shine so brightly in such small nuggets is so beautiful of a thing that it goes beyond words.  The bumps, large and small, along the road are VERY real, but also only a small part of the overall journey.

Me, Christina and Trinity sat down tonight and watched old videos from around the time when Luke was a tiny tot, Ben was only a couple years older and Trinity was right in the last few years of still being considered a younger kiddo.  They warmed our heart so much.

It is amazing how much you can forget of only a few years back.

When Trinity was little videos were still on those annoying camcorders with those things that looked like mini-vhs.  Also, you had to remember to carry the camera and have it ready… which you almost never did.

One of the greatest advances for parents in the last few years is the cell phone camera.  They can take burst mode shots, take videos and best of all, they are always on you.

So here is my advice… take TONS of videos and pictures using these amazing pocket-sized devices and find an easy way to share them.  Your family won’t be able to get enough.  Yes, you may annoy acquaintances with how much they see of your nugget, but it is totally worth it.   One day in a few years when you are sitting around watching videos with your spouse and oldest kiddo laughing hysterically you can think back on this post and thank me.