Parenting Nuggets

One thing you can start preparing for, even before birth of your precious nugget, is the tough questions.  From my experience, God will use kiddos as a way of flushing out things you think you believe or know, but really have not wrestled with.

This can be an easy thing to deal with.  You can just parrot back the last thing you heard your pastor say or some piece of theology you actually picked up from a movie or greeting card slogan… but be prepared because they keep getting older and better with questions and pointing out holes.

The worst thing that can happen is that a kiddo stops coming to you for questions.  This is heartbreaking for me to even write.  You want a lifelong relationship where your child knows they can come to you with any question, doubt, issue.

So start to ask God to take you through your “beliefs”.   Start to observe lift more and think about it with a fresh set of eyes.  Or put a way I heard it a long time ago… throw everything on the floor and ask Jesus to pick up only the pieces he wants you to take with you (man I love that).

I will get you started with one of the earlier topics that started to shake my old theological foundation.   Think about what you will say to your nugget the first time they experience a deep sadness from an injustice of this world.  Think about the death of someone they know closely.   Now, as a pastor it is easy to sit in front of a huge congregation of Evangelical Christians and teach things like  “God has a reason for ____” and “His ways are mysterious”.  Now picture yourself sitting in front of your kiddo and saying the same thing with a smile. KEY: What type of picture of God does that leave them with?

I am not saying that you have to have all of the answers.  My point is that you want to have wrestled with the things you tell your kiddos.  You may humbly end up on “I am still wrestling with that”.  What I have found important is to take the key things that are foundation points in your life and point to those and let everything else vary.  So for me, I believe EVERYTHING I need to know about God comes from Jesus and His life.  Second, I believe Free Will is a real thing (and you can’t really have both love/free-will and a God who puppets every action on this earth).  By sticking with those foundations, and a quite a few more, plus a huge dash of humility I make it through and have awesome sessions with the kiddos when these questions come up.

More on all this stuff in the future, but for now the big takeaway is to ask God to help you start to identify areas in your worldview that you should wrestle with.  Some will become even more firm, others will be wiped away and replaced and some you will wrestle with for years to come.  It is a part of the journey and forces us to stay in relationship with our Abba Father… which is a really good thing.

Quite a few years back, Christina was pregnant with one of the boys, and she entered what I like to call the “Well that was fun, we can be done anytime now” phase of pregnancy.  This is the last stage where being barely able to sleep is one many funny (to the Dad at least) side effects.

One day she was complaining about discomfort or sleep to a friend when she suddenly realized that this person was unable to have children naturally and had no kiddos of her own.  This experience reawakened her to just how amazing, beautiful and meaningful pregnancy is.  Just how big of a privilege and blessing it is.  Now did that realization all of a sudden make it fun to have to pee every 5 minutes when trying to sleep each night… of course not, but it made the discomfort much more bearable when the deep meaning was brought back to her mind.

Really all of parenting is like that.  There are constant difficulties and a huge responsibility… but it is always meaningful beyond words.   Incredibly meaningful.

A book I am reading made a great point that I would like to apply to parenting.

New parents may feel they have a lot less time on their hands after becoming parents.  The truth is, God gives everyone the same amount of time.  Parenting just changes how you use that time and (hopefully) your priorities.

In this book it talked about eliminating the “noise” that distracts us from what is important to us.  This is key as a parent because a) we want to be the absolute best parents we can be and because b) we should now have less of a window to fit in those other non directly related to parenting things we find important (reading, praying, exercise, volunteering, time out with friends, sports, writing blogs, etc.).

The book pointed out 4 criteria for identifying the “noise” in your life that saps your extremely valuable resources and distracts you from what is really important.  When deciding on what to focus your time on ask yourself…

1) Is it Unusable?  Will this directly impact your actions.  “News” actually falls into this category usually.  The author gives an example of news of a disaster half way across the world.  This is noise… unless it drives you to send aid or some other impact.  Another example that may hit close to home is social media.  Is finding out what your third cousin, twice removed, had for breakfast something that will drive your actions?

2) Is it Untimely? By the time it matters to you it will likely have changed.  E.g. reading up on colleges while your kiddo is in diapers or frequent checks of your retirement account balance.  : )

3) Is it Hypothetical? Is it based on what someone thinks “could be” instead of what is.

4) Is it Distracting?  Does it distract you from the things you find meaningful in this life.

To me number 1 and 4 are so huge as parents.  Take some time to think about the list.
If you are a current parent, see what God brings to mind things from the categories above you could replace with more meaningful activities.  If you are expecting, consider the things you can start to put away today in advance to even better prepare for the awesome blessing that is coming.

I wrote yesterday about dealing with bad moods in the home.  An interesting, especially difficult case for that is if you or your spouse is in a bad mood and end up being harsher or more critical with one of the nuggets than normal.   This is a tough spot for the parent who is not currently operating not in crazy person mode.
On one hand, you try not to ever show a non-united front in front of the kiddos.  On the other… the other person is a hot mess at the present moment.

The best solution I have seen is to agree and support, but rephrase the message or discipline in a more gentle and loving way.  Be warned:  This is a difficult art.

An hypothetical example:

Temporary bad mood parent to kiddo, “How can you keep doing this same thing I have talked to you about 1,000,000 times.  You have no idea how incredibly frustrating this is.”

Good mood, but in a tough spot parent, “He/She is right little Timmy, you really need to get this figured out.  You can see this is important to your Dad and Mom.  Will you please try and work on it.  Let’s think of a way to make fixing it a habit together.  You can get this.”

And again… don’t feel too proud after doing it… your tough day is likely just around the corner and then it will be you who will be needing an extra helping of grace and support from your spouse.  : )

Ask yourself… have you ever talked someone out of a bad mood?  I didn’t think so.  Of course, I don’t have to worry about this because I am never in a bad mood.  My wife certainly never gets in a bad mood.  My kiddos either.   But just on the off chance that one of you ever does find yourself in this far fetched situation, really take that to heart.

The only solution to this type of mood is a bit of time and space.  Give your spouse and kiddos room to simply be grumpy.  It happens… well, so I am told at least.  Time and/or sleep will heal this eventually.  Your logic and reasoning will only prolong it.  And yes, this does apply even if the person is 100% wrong and being ridiculous.  Don’t worry, they will have a chance to return the favor to you before too long.

Having a child can certainly be an experience that prompts us to pray.  Something like “Umm God, you seemed to have dropped off this tiny human being, but I think you may have forgot to include a user’s manual… especially looking for the chapter on potty training.”

In all seriousness though, I have noticed myself praying something along the following lines frequently lately, “God thank you for allowing me to be the one that gets to raise and teach these nuggets.”  How comforting is that.  They are His.

The best thing is that this really comes up when we are praying with the kiddos.  These are the moments when the He brings this thought to my lips.  If it is comforting to me, think how cool and important that is for them.  What a great reminder of the greatest truth of all of humanity… we are all sons/daughters of the King of all Kings.  Super cool stuff.

I think this may be one of the more important posts I will ever write on this blog for soon-to-be parents and parents of little nuggets.

Besides being a Dad, I have been an observer of parenting for many years.  I love to see how families operate whenever I get a sneak peek.

One of my big takeaways is this… I believe one of the strongest correlations I have seen with having thriving kiddos is in how much direct, adult, meaningful interaction they have.  Now this may sound strange.  Kiddos, by nature of being short, jobless, broke, etc., naturally need near constant care from us taller people.  This is why I was careful with the words above.

All but the most careless parents interact with their children all the time, but it is very easy to get in the mode where you are making sure their basic needs are met, but not truly connecting.  This is a lot easier, and to be honest, we all have to operate in this mode for portions of the day or nothing else would get done, but that is not the parenting portion of the day.

For example, picture talking with a friend at the part while your nuggets all play together at the park.  All good.  Imagine your nugget(s) playing blocks while you do the dishes.  All good.  The problem is when you survey a day or week or… and that is the norm, not the exception… no bueno.

Your connection with your kiddos should challenge and grow them.  Sitting and listening to them talk about legos is great for a part of the time, but you are not their best buddy.  You are their parent and interacting with you should stretch them and grow them.  Interacting with you is where their world should grow with new beliefs, vocabulary, ideas, thoughts and perspectives.

As a side point, this is one of the most incredible advantages of homeschooling in my mind.  Your kiddos are not in training to remain kiddos (which is the perspective they are most inundated with in during the many hours each day in a public/private school environment).  They are in training to be thriving adults, and you are the only one with the love and mission and resources to provide that to your kiddos, not even the best teacher in the world has the connection, drive and resources to do that.

The summary point to walk away with is this… don’t be a family that is just a group of folks sharing a house doing your own thing.  Don’t confuse time inside the same building as as quality time.  Interact, grow, share… and above all… love like their future depends on it.

We started out really into toys, as most parents do (not to mention grand parents).  To be financially responsible we would find deals on toys at garage sales and thrift stores.  We had all types of toys over the years.

Our trend has now been to go with quality over quantity.  Our house now consists of a select number of really great toy/activity selections.  The main ones across the ages are Little People, Doll House, A big collection of Duplos for the little kiddos, an even bigger random box of legos for the bigger kiddos.  We also have all types of sports stuff, bikes/scooters/etc., art supplies, puzzles and board games… and books… lots and lots of books.  This may sound like a lot, but consider we have 4 nuggets and then take one walk inside of a Toys R Us and you can let your mind fill in the possibilities.

A few of nice benefits of this selective approach:

1) Decreases the clutter and amount that needs to be cleaned up (this is a bigger deal than you may realize)

2) Helps avoid focus on materialism that is crazy difficult in this culture (avoiding TV helps here too)

3) BIG ONE… I realized not too far back that it is really, really good for kiddos to be bored occasionally.  I am blown away with what they come up with.  They spend more time outside.  They come up with cool ideas like making their own newspaper.  All types of stuff.  Think of the benefits of this creativity.

One last note… CHRISTmas and birthdays should be handled strategically.  Work with your family so that they understand the types of gifts that fit the model you choose to go with.  Consider a list or categories (e.g. a gift card to go do something fun).   Consider possibly returning certain items or having your child donate to those in need.  Try and help ensure that the focus of these events doesn’t become materialistic in your kiddos mind.  These seasons can be tricky in that regard and you want to avoid a huge yearly “setback”.  Plan ahead.

Enjoy them.  Enjoy giving them gifts and seeing them light up.  Just be smart in how you do it.

 

One of the books I read recently made the point that we focus too much on correcting our weaknesses and not enough on enhancing our strengths.  I don’t remember the exact context (it was likely on enhancing organizations or improving performance at work), but what a cool idea to spend some time thinking about when it comes to parenting.  Whether you acknowledge this or not, you are this infinitely amazing creation, made by God in His very image.  You are also unique.

There are some things that come naturally to you.  Keep an eye out for those things.  There are others that feel a whole lot like work.   Feed that data into your parenting.

You may walk away with all types of applications of this idea, but here are a couple of more practical ones.  If you dread camping and only picture heat and bugs and rain, then choose not to force yourself to take your nuggets camping.  Yes, even if your spouse also doesn’t like it and you picture your kiddo looking back and one day entering a deep depression because they never became an Eagle Scout.  Realize that those precious nights when you would have forced yourself to do the thing you hate (in this example sleeping in 100 degree heat surrounded by a swarm of blood-sucking vampire bugs, in a super great mood) will instead have been spent doing something (anything) else.  Once you break free of feelings like “I have to make sure my kids do ______!”, then you can find new ideas, e.g. “I wouldn’t mind going to the springs for a day and then coming home in the evening.”  (Ok, yes, I admit it, this is one of mine.).

When it comes to smaller activities, you may realize you would rather get a route canal than play little people or build blocks.  So… don’t.  Let the kiddos use those activities for their solo time when you are cooking or taking a break and spend your time together on things you do enjoy, e.g. maybe reading, board games, walks, swimming, etc.

The point is, everyone wins when you, your spouse and your kiddo spend as much time operating using their strengths and likes.   There will be exceptions to this of course.  We homeschool every weekday, not because it is in our top “enjoy” activities, but because it is amazingly meaningful and beneficial to all of us.  Those exceptions aside, operating in your genuine rhythm as much of the time as you can swing it is a great goal to shoot for.

*** One more quick note,  This also points out another theme that keeps coming up to me.  God designed us for Community.  I see so many examples of how this is woven into the system.  Within a thriving community you and your kiddos will have more folks around who have all different skills and likes.  You may have an uncle that loves photography, a friend who is amazing with music, someone at church that produces amazing art.   A friend who overflows with some awesome character quality.  These are all people who can fill the gaps and allow your child to try new things.

 

 

You will probably notice a funny thing about yourself if you watch out for it.  Keep an eye out for how many times the words “Be careful” comes out of your mouth or at least pops into your mind around children playing.  It is fascinating to me.

I know I am not alone here.  Once I tried to be more selective on when I say this I noticed it in all types of people.  Family, neighbors, strangers… they all act like they are a part of a society dedicated on keeping your nugget from ever having a scraped knee.

There are a couple of negatives to us using this phrase too much:

1) We really need to balance this and teach bravery and confidence.  Those things are way worth the bumps and bruises… and even the rare stitches.

2) Speaking of those rare cases, I can’t think of any of the times my kiddos needed stitches or had some larger injury that a “hey, be careful” would have prevented.  In fact, if you think about it, if we overuse this it really becomes background noise and loses its meaning.

3) You can’t be present and fun and engaging if you are only focused on preventing any and all possible sources of danger.

So enjoy your kiddos and be a little dangerous… or at least don’t be totally lame.  : )